Dying All Around Me
by AbsentAngel
Summary: Oh Kagome if you only knew, if you knew you would understand. It isn’t that I feel weak on these human nights, it’s that I feel death. An Inu/Kag two-shot and winner of Lady Bliss's Inuyasha Fanfiction contest
1. Chapter 1

_"I can feel this body dying all around me." -Amalthea, The Last Unicorn_

(:)(A)(:)  
Dying All Around Me  
By Absent Angel  
(:)(A)(:)

Kagome thinks she understands, Lord knows she tries her hardest to. But she can never truly know how terrible the new moon is for me - how terrifying. She thinks my hatred for those nights stem from my loss of power. That I hate feeling weak.

Part of it is. More of it isn't.

Even if I told her the whole truth, she still wouldn't truly understand. She couldn't. She's human, and humans are immune to the feeling. They've lived with it since they were in their mother's womb; they know nothing else. But I do, I feel the difference. And I still haven't decided if I should pity the human race for not knowing, or feel jealous.

Right now, I'm leaning towards the later. And it's taking all I have not to snap at Kagome. She's only trying to help, trying to comfort me in my weakness. Telling me it's all right to lose my strength one day out of the month - only twelve days out of three hundred and sixty-four. My strength will be back in the morning.

Nonsense like that. 

Oh Kagome if you only knew, if you knew you would understand. It isn't that I feel weak on these nights, it's that I feel death. 

Demons are immortal, their bodies grow old but they do not die. At least, not without injury. They will live forever if they aren't killed off. And though I only have half of that blood running through my veins, it is enough to preserve me - if not forever - a hella of a long time.

But you . . . you were born dying. Every breath, every heartbeat, brings you closer to death - even as it brings you life. You just don't know it. You don't think about it. And damn me if I make you. Damn me to all seven layers of hell if I let you understand how terrible it is for me to feel the way you do every day, once a month.

Damn me in general. Because if I wasn't such a spineless bastard I wouldn't let the feeling of death scare me shitless. I wouldn't dread and fear it the way I do. But most of all, damn me for being weak. Because if I wasn't, I would find it in myself to embrace these nights. Because it is this feeling that brings me closest to you, to my humanity. And if I wasn't so shit-faced I would find a way to feel like this every day, so I wouldn't have to think about the differences between us. Maybe then I wouldn't be staring at your lips right now, thinking 'There, right there. She's one breath closer to death'.

Fuck, if you could read my mind you would probably think that I wanted you dead - with how much I think about it. And if you can read my mind right now - which I know you can't, because you're giving me that confused look - but if you could, I'd want you to know that I'm obsessed with your death only because I fear it. And I don't always look at your lips and think these depressing things - most of the time I am thinking like a typical man and want to kiss them until their swollen. It is just these human nights. These nights that force me to remember that you are dying . . . and I am losing you.

These kind of things should make me hold you tighter, hold you so tight that neither of us can breath. But I'm scared Kagome, I'm so scared. Because I can feel this human body dying all around me - and I know, that this is you every day. Not once a month, or twelve days out of the year, but every second of every day. How many days are left Kagome? How many days until I have to say goodbye?

I don't know. I don't know anything. And perhaps that scares me most of all. Should I be human - naive and unknowing? Or do I have the strength to love you completely while you're with me, and know what I've lost once you're gone? 

Right now, I am a jealous man Kagome.

But maybe tomorrow I'll be able to look at your lips and think only of how much I want to capture them with my own. Maybe tomorrow I will pity the human race for not knowing.

Maybe tomorrow.

But right now I'll except your comforting words - knowing that someday, somehow, I will find the strength to love you. Human or not. And that, Kagome, is something that I can promise you. All I ask is that you wait a little longer . . . wait until I'm strong enough to love you. Until I'm strong enough to lose you.

Just a little longer - I promise.

**(:)(A)(:)**

This is the shortest piece I've ever written . . . but I rather like it. Inspired by the quote at the beginning of the fic - The Last Unicorn was my favorite movie as a kid. And watching it again now that I'm older I was able to look so much deeper into it. How terrible it really must be - to suddenly feel your body dying around you?

Any way, though this has been sitting in my head for a while, this was finally dragged out of me once I saw a contest on Gaia for an Inuyasha fic. It doesn't end until October 31st (2007) so if you have any suggestions it would be greatly appreciated. ; ) 

Read and review please!!


	2. Chapter 2

_"And everyone must breath, until their dying breath." - On the Radio, Regina Spektor"_

**(:)(A)(:)  
Dying All Around Me  
Chapter 2  
(:)(A)(:)**

It was only for one night a month, but Kagome was beginning to dread it with the same ferocity that her beloved hanyou did. He was just so silent, so broody and un-Inuyasha like that it drove her insane. And she tried so hard to lift his spirits, but nothing ever seemed to work - he was always so far away from her when he was human. So she waited, with baited breath, for the morning to rise and her moody hero to return. But even the sun didn't seem to be lifting his spirits quick enough these days . . . and she felt that he was only drifting farther away from her with each new moon.

And the way he _looked _at her. She couldn't even begin to describe it, but it pulled at her heart so fiercely that at times she couldn't help but feel the need to cry.

He was hiding something from her. Something in his eyes harbored such a deep, consuming sadness when he looked at her. Part of her was dying to know why, but a larger part was too scared to ask. Too scared to know. Because she had seen a glimpse of that look before. It had hovered there for weeks after Kikyou's death and reappeared like the plague whenever someone so much as said her name.

Her eyes slid over to the man she loved. He was sitting against the hut's creaking wall, his trusty Tessaiga propped on his shoulder like always. The little muscle at the corner of his mouth twitching whenever Shippou snored particularly loud - the only way she could tell he was awake in the candles flickering light. But even if she couldn't see him, she knew he wasn't sleeping. Inuyasha _never_ slept the night of the new moon without having some kind of terrible injury - which he was without tonight (thank god).

She tried to suppress the sigh - she really did. But it trickled past her lips before she could help herself. Usually she would feel Inuyasha's questioning gaze on her cheek, but when she looked over his eyes remained shut.

Had she done something wrong? She had tried to be very careful with his needs . . . she tried her very best to keep his mind off Kikyou. She had even let him brood when he needed to . . . so what could she have done wrong?

Unless . . . it was just _her_.

She flinched openly at the thought, cradling her limp hands in her lap as if they were her heart. Her bruised, battered, broken heart. 

Honestly, she didn't know how much more she could take. She loved Inuyasha - God did she love him! But she couldn't keep handing him her heart on a silver platter, only to have him throw it to the ground and stomp on it. It just wasn't sensible.

Not that love was sensible even to begin with . . . if love were sensible she would be head-over-heels for someone who loved her back. Maybe Hojo, or even Kouga. _They_ seemed to love her. Sure Hojo didn't really know who she was and what she did with her time - she'd probably scare him away if she ever told him she'd been traveling five hundred years into the past for the past three years. And Kouga really wasn't so much in love with her as he was the _idea_ of her. But both of them had some _sort_ of love for her - even if it was for the person they thought she was, or just the idea of being with her. It was still something.

It was still more than what Inuyasha felt for her. It would always be more. Because she wasn't who he needed her to be - she wasn't Kikyou.

The back of her eyes burned at the thought and she tried to blink the sensation away - thankful for once that Inuyasha's sense of smell was only average that night. The last thing she wanted was to be confronted about the whole situation.

Unfortunately blinking didn't help, and tears were rolling down her face as quickly as she could wipe them away. She struggled to get herself under control, but she knew it was hopeless. Once she started she just couldn't stop.

She sniffed as quietly as she could, but she could already feel her throat starting to close up and tighten. With a nervous, watery glance at Inuyasha she quietly stood up. Under her bare feet a floor board groaned and she knew, even with her back to him, that his eyes had snapped open and were fully focused on her.

"Where you going?"

His voice held its usual roughness but it lacked the note of curious worry that use to underlay it. She smiled bitterly, knowing he couldn't see it. He _used_ to worry about her. Once upon a time, in a land oh so far away from where she was now.

"I have to go to the bathroom." A lie, but really, what did it matter anyway? Another tear rolled down her cheek, hanging off her chin and she closed her eyes in a desperate plea. _Please, just let me go_.

Behind her, he grumbled. "Whatever. Take the bow."

She didn't waste a moment and didn't look back. Grabbing the weapon leaning against the wall and stepping over her shoes - they took to long to lace - she silently pushed aside the bamboo curtain and welcomed the cool night air that greeted her. The curtain slapped loudly behind her, but she didn't care anymore.

Wiping her cheeks with cold hands and wiping her nose on her sleeve, Kagome walked away from the unfamiliar village and towards the forest's dark tree line. She wouldn't go to far, just through the first couple layers of trunks. Just far enough to escape the possibility of being heard. After a few minutes maybe Inuyasha would get worried and come looking for her. Maybe. If he did the new moon's lack of light would shield her and her tears until sunrise.

(:)(A)(:)

Kagome's eyes fluttered open, speckled light dancing over her irises. Rubbing her eyes with the heels of her hand, she groaned. She turned her body slightly and winced as pain bit up and down her spine. She forced herself to sit up with a grunt of effort and little pops skittered down her back. She grimaced at the sound. "Ooh." She glared at the root she had been previously sprawled upon. "Last time I fall asleep on a tree . . ."

"It's more comfortable in the branches."

She jumped, her head snapping towards the voice where Inuyasha sat, leaning against the opposite tree, arms folded. For a moment their eyes met - blue and gold. It was morning, he was a hanyou again. He had found her.

Quickly she turned away, she for once being the one who couldn't look him in the eye. Her breathing was suddenly shaky, and nervous hand tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. She didn't say anything, and for a while neither did he.

And then the silence was shattered by Inuyasha's fist slamming into his tree's thick roots, wood splitting with a loud crack under the pressure. "Don't you have something to say!?"

She recoiled, flinching as all calm left her beloved hanyou. But still she said nothing, merely sat and listened as he raged. His anger growing with every question, every provoking nag, that remained unanswered. Minutes filled with angry shouts and furious snarls, and a few more trees felt his wrath. Still she remained silent and unlooking - directing her gaze instead towards the village. If she concentrated hard enough she could make out their temporary hut through the layers of trees.

And then his hands were gripping her shoulders, pushing her against the tree until she could feel the bark biting through her shirt. "Are you even fucking listening to me?!" Out of instinct she looked up at him, eyes wide. Inuyasha had never been so rough with her - so _angry_ at her. Despite the fact that she wanted to turn away, to keep him from seeing whatever evidence was left of her crying. She was in shock, and couldn't look away from his rage filled face - directed at her.

"What the hell were you thinking? Thought you would just have a fucking sleep over in a demon infested forest?" He gave her shoulders a shake, his face coming closer as he continued his rant. "Stupid girl, why would you -" His words stopped short and his expression changed. Immediately, Kagome knew he had already found the answer to his own question. Quickly, she turned away from him. But he had already smelled the salt, seen the running marks down her face. 

Almost instantly his hands softened and his anger calmed into a subtle murmur. "You were crying . . ." She didn't say anything - she didn't have too.

She could almost hear the gears in his head turning, struggling to make sense of the situation. He must have come to some kind of conclusion because a moment later his hands released her shoulders as if they burned him, and he backed away from her.

Biting her lip, she risked a glance up at him. His eyes were wide and . . . hurt. Immediately she looked away, wrapping her thin arms around her waist protectively. Preparing herself for the onslaught of heartbreak she knew she was about to receive. She wondered if this would be her hearts last battle before it finally gave out.

"It was my fault, wasn't it?" 

She shook her head, tears forming behind her eyes. "I just needed to be alone for a while." Her throat tightened, raw and scratched, but she forced the lie out. "It had nothing to do with you."

But he was Inuyasha, that hanyou she had traveled with for years. The single person that knew nearly everything about her. And he knew. "Don't lie Kagome! Don't fucking stand there and lie right to my face!" His words were thick, and trembling. And she knew his anger was getting worked up again. "What the hell did I do?"

When she didn't answer, his fist slammed into another tree. "Damn it Kagome just tell me! Tell me how I fucked up this time!"

Again, the lie slipped between her teeth. Desperate for a way out of this long waited confrontation. "I just needed to be alone."

She could hear his teeth grinding as the growl rumbled in his throat. "Will you stop it! I fucking know it was me! That's why you left last night - because you wanted to get away from _me_. And you _knew_ I couldn't find you until morning. I know. So shut up and tell me the fucking truth!"

She looked at him. Actually looked at him. Her eyes caressing the hurt expression in his eyes and stroking his forehead. And bittersweet realization came to her, running down her cheek in a single stream. "You're looking at me." At his confused, and shocked expression she smiling hiccup. "You haven't looked at me the morning after the new moon for a long time."

Inuyasha said nothing, but his body language told her everything she needed. to know. Now _he _was the one that couldn't look her in the eye - his gaze landing on anything but her. His ears, though they would flick up from time to time, remained flat against his skull. His mouth opened and closed but now words came out until, "Kagome, this - "

She interrupted him, because she knew where he was going. Knew what he was going to say. "You're hiding something Inuyasha. I know you are!" She bit her lip and closed the few steps between them, taking his rough hands in hers. Gently, she rubbed her thumbs over his knuckles, staring at their joined hands. When had holding his hand become such a foreign feeling? She gave the appendage a light squeeze at the thought. "Inuyasha . . . please?" She leaned her forehead against his chest, trying her best to ignore the way he stiffened. "I - I don't know if I can keep going on like this."

She heard him sigh, felt his chest deflate beneath her. His hands gently evaded her weak hold, and for a moment she thought he would leave her. But when his arms wrapped themselves around her waist in a tight, unreleasing hold, she calmed. He wasn't going anywhere.

He whispered her name against her neck in what she knew was an apology - the only one he could ever really give her. She accepted it by hugging him back - the only way she could ever tell him that he was forgiven.

"I didn't want you to know."

Her heart shuddered at the soft admittance and held him closer, tears trailing down her cheeks and onto his haori. Licking her lips, she forced the question out. "Know what?"

Again a sigh, trembling under her cheek. "The new moon - it isn't - " He gave a frustrated growl, burying his nose deeper into her hair. "Damn it! I don't - I can't say it right. You won't understand."

"Let me try."

He shook his head, his face crinkled in his frustration. "You won't understand."

Her anger flared but her heart constricted. "What is it Inuyasha? How can you be so sure that I won't get it? I'm not as stupid - "

"You're dying Kagome."

She paused, her heart hammering in her chest. At first she thought it may have been some kind of joke. But it was coming from Inuyasha - a very sad Inuyasha. She licked her suddenly dry lips and leaned back to look at him. His face was soft, but his eyes were sad. He still wasn't looking at her.

"You, Sango, Miroku . . . you're all dying Kagome. And I'm not."

"Inuyasha?"

His face contorted into a grimace. "I can _feel_ the way your bodies die on the new moon. You don't - you can't understand. You're like that, " A shuddering breath left his lips, as if the one word were so hard to say. "Everyday."

Today Kagome had no words, no condolences. Because he was right - she didn't understand. She didn't feel death - she felt _alive_. Especially in his arms, knowing that all those nights he wouldn't look at her - couldn't look at her - was because he was afraid. Not for Kikyou, but for her.

She held him as tightly as her weak, human arms could. "Oh Inuyasha . . . " When was the last time her tears had been in happiness? "I might be dying - but I'm still alive."

His grip grew almost painful, and she could feel the tremors running across his skin. "For how long?"

She smiled softly, with a hint of bitterness. "I don't know. No one ever knows." She released his waist to caress his cheek - he was looking at her. "But it isn't the amount of time you're given Inuyasha - it's how you use it."

His eyes were pained. "I can't - I'm - " _I'm so afraid of losing you._

Kagome interrupted him - he didn't need words any way. But she said nothing, her hanyou didn't need any more fruitless words of encouragement. Her hanyou needed _her_. And so, on the tips of her toes, she kissed his open mouth. Delighting in his surprised intake of breath.

A moment went by before his hands fluttered along her cheek before landing at her throat, and he responded. Soft at first - slow and awkward, new and confusing. But his fear drove him deeper, and he kissed her as if it were their last moment alive. Their last moment together.

He planted kisses along her neck. _I'm still scared . . ._

Kagome smiled, stroking his hair and kissing his forehead. _I know_.

**(:)(A)(:)**

A continuation for yet another contest.


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